Page 30 - North Haven Magazine Issue 25 Autumn 2022

To Write,

or not to Write

by Nick Giordano
CHAPTER 4
Finally, a little peace and quiet. The kids are on the
bus and Larry left for work a few minutes ago. She
was alone. She opened the cabinet above the stove
and reached in the back to corner to get the pack
of cigarettes she has hidden. This morning she
needed one. Although she “quit” years ago, sneak-
ing a quick one never hurt anyone she thought. At
least it’s not Vodka. That would be a lot worse and
much harder to hide. She thinks Larry knows she
sneaks a butt or two every now and then but if it
really bothered him, he’d say something. There-
fore, these occasional retreats into bad habits
don’t make her feel too guilty.

Monica Stevens Berenson is a good woman. She’s
educated, has a good job, is a good mother and but it almost didn’t matter because she had to get
wife and keeps a good home. But everyone has out of that house, with all the pain and hurt.
a past. Some pasts have happy memories, some
not so much. It’s amazing she thinks, with the Her sister stayed and so did her mother. But not
horrors she has experienced, how she has been Monica. She was never going to let him near her
able to keep it together so no one really knows. again. She dabbed at a tear that formed at the
She has no choice but to be strong even though corner of her eye. She wonders if she could have
at times she feels weak. Will she ever get rid of helped them, but they were reluctant to go. Survi-
this guilt of not stopping it before it got as bad as vor’s guilt, she thought. She hasn’t spoken to her
it did? Probably not. As she takes that first drag sister in years and didn’t go to the funeral when
of the Marlboro red she can’t help but think about her mom passed. And him, if he is still alive it is
him. She tries really hard to bury those memories nothing short of a miracle. She takes a long, slow
in the deepest part of her mind but from time to drag of the heater and remembers how he showed
time they creep out of their hiding place. She’s 13 up at her wedding, uninvited of course, and made
again and she’s in her room with her sister lis- a scene before being escorted out. That was it. The
tening to the yelling. If they’re lucky he’ll be too last time she laid eyes on Joe Stevens. He may be
drunk to come and find them. dead. Who knows? If so then hell has a perfect,
eternal guest. The ash of the second one is just
Sometimes he doesn’t, most times he does. Anoth- about at the filter so Monica snuffs it out, rinses it
er long drag, another bad memory. Usually the cigs off and flips it in the garbage can next to the other
relax her but not today. Even though she hasn’t one. Two dead soldiers. She thinks about a third
seen or talked to him since her wedding day, this go around but decides against it. Got to save some
morning the memories are as fresh as ever. It’s for another trip down memory lane. After all, cigs
been over 12 years but it seems just like yester- are very expensive. She neatly tucks away the
day. She crushed the butt in the sink, washed the pack in its hiding place in the cabinet. Hopefully
ashes away and flicked it into the garbage can un- she thinks, next time she can enjoy the nicotine
der the sink but she quickly lit another one. Now rush instead of ruining it with the thought of Joe
she was thinking about Larry, and how she met Stevens. Maybe those dark memories will stay
him. Just a normal college party. It wasn’t love buried. Her wish was drowned out by the ring of
at first sight or anything that storybook, just a her cell…it was John.
couple of kids who ended up needing each other.
There was no way she would go back to that house
after she graduated. Larry turned out to be her
savior, but she wondered if it wasn’t him would it
have been someone else? He’s a wonderful man,

30 North Haven Magazine - Autumn Issue 2022